A Person in a Narrative Work of Arts

If I could blow life into my characters, I would. For I have created them, and I have let them speak in my head for far too long that I literally ache to see them in the flesh. Especially now that I have shared them to the world, it’s almost like a crime to keep them confined within the pages of a book.

Believe it or not, immortalizing their individual voices was my reason for publishing. And I’m certain it’s the same with every writer out there. It’s the only way to silence them, I think – to write their words down, to make sure that everything they wanted to say had been said. Because I knew then that I’d go mad if I didn’t. The need to share them, to introduce them to the world, was too strong. I just had to do it.

The Condition of Being Unable to Think of What to Write or How to Proceed with Writing

I’m not an expert, hence I can’t really write about any scientifically proven cure for writer’s block. Nor will I repeat those articles that I’ve read online. But I’m going to write about my feelings and thoughts about it, as I’m on that boat at the moment, and how I’m coping with it.

At first, I thought it’s just an unexpected burst of laziness. And to be fair, I’m not a stranger to this as I’m a naturally lazy person. But normally, my episodes of idleness only last for a day… or two.

Not this long.

It’s been over three months since I’ve last written anything. And believe me when I say I’m struggling to write this post right at this very moment. It finally dawn on me that I’m not just being lazy, that I’m not a little bit distracted by other things. This is my brain having a break, going on hiatus without my permission. Because I’m keen to work, but I can’t come up with any ideas at all. It feels like I’m completely burnt out. Like I’ve hit a solid, brick wall. It’s kind of frustrating.

I’ve asked a few people if they’ve had the same experience, and a few of them have had. This has come as a relief to me, knowing I’m not the only one out there suffering from it, and that this is a normal occurrence. I’ve also received a few good advices. Apparently, my brain will just know when it’s time to get back on the saddle, that creativity will kick back in after a good rest. A friend told me to leave writing alone and do something else that I enjoy.

So I've heed their advices and wait. And wait some more. During my usual writing time, before I fire my laptop on, I’ll sit on my bed, twiddling my thumbs, listening to my brain as it churns, expecting that light bulb to glow brightly.

Nothing. The light bulb is probably busted.

Okay. Perhaps my brain needs a bit more rest. But this has started to become seriously boring. So I’ve tried reading books that I really loved, books that should inspire me. But none of my favourites were able to hold my attention long enough for me to fire that creative spark. Flipping pages have started to feel like a tedious task. It hit me then, like a solid slap across the face. That’s how bad this is. I can’t bring myself to do anything book related.

Hence, I’ve delved deep inside of me, to find out what have caused this lapse. Maybe I am somewhat distracted. Perhaps my life got a little busier than normal these past months, with the Christmas holidays and my daughter’s seventh birthday. Work is definitely a bit more demanding. And I have just released my first book, and whether I like to admit it or not, the “fear” is there. The fear that one day I will realise that all my efforts were just a waste of my time, that I will never be as good as I like myself to be, that my work will never get appreciated, that I’m doing it wrong and I'm making a colossal mistake – that fear. Yeah, that will surely shoot all inspirations to the ground.

I know it’s ludicrous. I should pick myself up and get to it. I shouldn’t really care if no one likes my stories. I’ve written a book and not everyone can do it. That’s alone is an accomplishment. Right? My view of writing is there’s very little thing to loose but so many things to gain. I suppose I should try to keep these words on constant loop in my head, until fear is nothing but dirt under my shoe and I’m back on track.

Just to be clear, writing is not my main source of income. So my eagerness to fight this bloody writer’s block has nothing to do with money. It’s to get back the friends that I seem to have lost. My books, my laptop, the characters I’ve created and the new voices in my head. I miss them. I really do.

A Word or Words By Which a Person is Known

My husband named our eldest son after my father in law. It’s quite an old-fashioned name, which I will not mention here, in fear of offending others who are called the same. At the time, I didn’t question my husband’s choice because he wanted to do something nice for his father, since our son was the first grandson on their side of the family and my father in law was quite excited about it. 

Fair enough.

My son, now 13, HATES it. He blatantly refuses to be called by his first name. He makes sure everyone – everyone – refers to him by his second name (which I picked by the way), including his teachers. And he even swears he will have it changed when he turns 18. 

I don’t blame him. The name is awful. Totally unsuitable for his generation. He’s been picked on, made fun of. The name itself has been modified numerous times. It’s been turned into something hilarious, something sort of insulting, and been added into a slogan. My poor boy must have suffered a lot. 

So, how do we pick a name for our brood? How do we know that the name we’ll pick will not go obsolete after a decade or so? I mean, how do we know we’re not turning our child into a future laughingstock? 

The thought of it is really scary. It’s a big decision. And we’re making this decision on behalf of our child, and it’s a decision that will reflect on him as he grows older. Our attempt to be creative can well be the bane of his existence. And trust me, it’s a tough world out there, especially for a child. Us – the parents – should not be the reason that our child can’t fit in. (I always tell my husband this.)

I guess one way to do it is to look at the name from the child’s point of view and think about how the name will sound and fit when the child grows up. It has to be suitable. People draw conclusions based on the name alone. Just like a book. The title gives you an idea of what the book is about. The moment you read the title, you create a story in your head even before you read the blurb. And it’s exactly the same with names. A silly name will make it tremendously difficult for your child to market himself when looking for jobs. A stupid name will not gain him any respect. An unusually spelt name will burden him of having to spell his name correctly to people for the rest of his life. A cutesy name, a name that sounds really adorable on babies, can turn into something absolutely ridiculous when he grows old. 

Thank God my name is not something like Princess Blossom, because I would hate to see my future grandchildren attempt to call me Grandma Princess Blossom while looking at my wrinkly and toothless face, without laughing their heads off. I’d die of humiliation.

Review: Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver

Stunning.


Even that word is not enough to describe this outstanding piece of work. Lauren Oliver is incredible with words. She can transport you in a place high up, where everything is dark and bright and still beautiful, where cool wind blows softly on your face like a kiss, like a flutter of million eyelashes. Her words can leave you breathless, gasping, emotional, as though the story has become a massive part of your life and you don't want it to end, vehemently refuse to let it go, because you don't want to part with your soul.

Review: Where She Went by Gayle Forman

Original review was posted on Goodreads, 20th of May 2012


Fantastic. Liked it better than If I Stay - which is full of heart-wrenching sadness, focusing on "choice". Whereas Where She Went is an angry, and also a sad story, that focuses on the consequences and after effect of that said "Choice". It's quite a simple story, really, but Foreman's writing is so brilliant, as though she has a direct access to my inner thoughts. In my opinion, she has captured Adam's voice more than Mia's. Loved it!

Words

"I love her fondly, dearly, disinterestedly, devotedly. If ever there were love in the world, I love her." ~ Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities.

Why is it every time I come across this line, my heart feels as heavy as a rock? And there's fluttering in my stomach? As if I want to do something daft... like spin in the middle of a road, with my arms spread wide.

...Or curl in my bed and let myself get lost in some random dreams about random things.

...Or let go and let fate decide on something I have absolutely no idea.

Odd how some piece of writing, simple words, can make you think of your life and what you have done with it so far.